Monday, February 18, 2013

Headline: Not-Completely-Skinny White Woman Is Mainstream Sex Symbol! Apocalypse Nigh!

Yep, it's that kind of blog now.

Seriously, though, sometime you should take a look at the full gallery of Kate Upton pics from her Antarctica shoot for Sports Illustrated (who helpfully provided her with a jacket occasionally so she only got a little bit of frostbite and her sight and hearing only began to shut down temporarily NO SERIOUSLY THAT HAPPENED GOOGLE IT WTF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE.) 

Now, it may be that the internets are just finally tired of bodysnarking on Kate Upton, who will only be less than half my age plus seven for a few more short years, by which time my marriage to Jennifer Lawrence will no doubt be on the skids, so that works out just fine.  But I can't find much attention paid online to the conspicuous not-skinniness of our intrepid heroine in these photos.  And foreals, guys, just look up any other picture(s) of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models--or swimsuit or underwear models in general--and you will not find anyone looking this curvy.  And I'm not just talking about Ms. Upton's ahem ship-sinking icebergs ahem, either.  She has thick, wide hips and a pleasantly convex belly, too, which only gets successfully 'shopped out in some of the photos.

Know what I'm waiting for?  I look in the mirror every day and I'm waiting for the Russell Crowe swimsuit shoot, the Greg Grunberg fashion brief line.  I want big, somewhat chunky GUYS to be publicly desirable in their underwear.  But hey, I'm a big guy so I'm biased.  Let's take care of the women thing first, since they've been waiting long the hell enough for it and since they're the true poster [people] for dehumanizing objectification anyway (and since, let's face it, we've still got a ways to go--this Kate Upton progress is baby steps at its babystepsiest, to be sure) and then . . .

Someday, Greg.  Someday, buddy!

Wait, you're not reading this at work, are you?


  1. I am so ready for the Russell Crowe swimsuit shoot.

    Also, this really is the most baby of baby steps. Granted, a good one, but her body is RIDICULOUS.

    1. Yeah, yeah, super-baby-steps. (SUPERBABY!! HE STANDS FOR TRUTH JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN NAP!!!) Of course, body-judgment cuts both ways; I could easily say of Kate Upton, "eh, she has a thick torso for such skinny legs, and she's a little too bulgy on top and not really bulgy enough behind, and because she's so tall she has awfully big feet" (she's certainly not as perfectly proportioned as the Minka Kellys or Kelly Brooks or Eva Mendeses...eseses--Mendi?--of this world). And then I could turn around and point out that you probably think Tara Lynn ( has a ridiculous body, because fuh-wowwww. Am I wrong? We're not going to be seeing Tara Lynn on a Sports Illustrated cover anytime soon . . . but maybe a *tiny* bit sooner, thanks to Kate Upton's unwillingness to diet. Modeling is a weird alternate universe where not even conventional attractiveness determines who get into the picture. It's a factor, sure, but there's a lot of other stuff in play. There's current fashion, marketing, cult of personality (Kate Upton acts her very accessible age and spontaneously dougies on video at a stadium,) and in the end I don't think the ridiculousest always wins.

      Russell Crowe in just a black jock and the captain hat from "Master and Commander?" Maybe with Paul Bettany on his shoulders, completely nude?